He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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