it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
