I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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