I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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