When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
