I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
