I think I won the penis lottery.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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