im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
