capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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