Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
