then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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