I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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