who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize