We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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