A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
