I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
