I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
