I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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