Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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