Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
