I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
