I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
