Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
