I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just blew my weed a kiss
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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