Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Let the clothes fall where they may.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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