I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
