so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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