WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
