Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
