I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
