mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
All I want is dick and wine.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
