I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
