I think I am morally bankrupt
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
