So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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