Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
