Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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