wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
