It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
