you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
