thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize