She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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