A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
