U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
