if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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