We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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