i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize