Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Help. Why am I so naked?
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