don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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