You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Come share oat with me in your robe
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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