I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
COCAINE IS GR8
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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