Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
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