it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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