You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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