So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
