Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
