My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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