The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
