I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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